Author’s note: You need to read this piece until the very end for some very important information you would never have known otherwise.
Space Jam 2 is a movie in the way "processed cheese food" is cheese. It wants you to like its surface and nothing else, the way fake cheese offers you a momentary spasm of flavor on your taste buds and nothing else. Everything about Space Jam 2 mimics another thing; it doesn’t have a single authentic moment or idea or joke or plot point of its own.
That’s not because it’s a remake/reboot/whatever of the 1996 Space Jam, in which Michael Jordan played basketball with Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes. The original Space Jam seemed like a promising candidate for updating because the original was so lousy almost anything new and different should have...